Dads, Stag Dos and Being Reasonable.


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Posted 8:25 AM on Thu-9-Aug-2012

Hi all, I really want some other Mums opinions about this one, I don't think I am being unreasonable but maybe I am???So hubby asked last night if he could go to a stag do in a couple of weeks time, now I hate stag dos at the best of times its not that hubby has ever done anything ever but he always gets WAY more drunk cause I am not there and I always know they end up at the strip clubs which I hate, because I have the opinion he is married to me and shouldn't need to look at other women(I am self conscious about me). But its also the night of the stag do and the day after he is a complete right off(ALL Day). Now what I have yet failed to mention is the reason why I am so particularly upset and not wanting him to go is we are due any day with bubs number 2, so he will be leaving me at home with a two week old (depending when he is actually born) and my little Miss almost 3 years old he would be leaving me in the afternoon and lets face it wont be home to the next morning and he will be there in body but that's all. So I will be dealing with them all by myself, which dont get me wrong I am sure I can , but when you have a newborn you want the support of your hubby and not to be left alone. Now not only am I in ways shocked that he would even ask to go to the stag do (which is only a work colleague not a friend)with having a newborn he also put me in a really horrible situation of asking in-front of my mother in law (his Mum)which she of course saw no problem with him going and hubby said if you need help Mum can come to help you. Which I totally do not want. He thinks it completely fine that he wants to go out and doesn't understand why I even object. What do you think?? Am I being unreasonable? On a side note I often think that having a baby (kids) for a Dad never changes their life too much they can still go out etc and pretty much their life stays the same. But for a Mum it changes and is harder to keep a social life outside your kids, my hubby thinks I get to do lots of things all the time by which he means playgroup, music etc but what he fails to realize is its not like I get to have a sit down and a chit chat with a friend (with a wine even better) and just chill, you are up and down helping, being involved in their play, toileting, feeding etc etc I don't need to tell you all. Ahh vent over looking forward to hearing what you think.

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doolally - 10:16 AM on Sun-12-Aug-2012

I do think that he shouldnt have mentioned it in front of the MIL but men dont think these things over. It is nice he offered her as help but i wonder if his Mum really liked him offering on her behalf too!? He may not have even thought the whole thing through re the fact that bub was due soon. I would be inclined to tell him to go but ask him to try not to get trashed cause it would be nice if you could do something as a family together the next day.
Make it an easy dinner night for you and the 3 yr old and when they are all in bed maybe treat yourself to a small glass of wine too. Oh and yeah and i agree with the person who said get him to help out before he goes out. He shouldnt have to leave in the afternoon so get him to do stuff before he goes.

renosmum - 12:55 PM on Sat-11-Aug-2012
let him go, there will come a time when you will want to go somewhere with a friend when he won't be happy about it and you can gently remind him of this instance. Just because you have a child doesn't mean he should not be able to go out with a friend on his friend's special night...do you trust him? Sorry, but I think you are being a little unreasonable.

LIVINGLIFE - 10:07 PM on Thu-9-Aug-2012

I think telling you about it in front of the mother in law was off as he should have talked to you first, but in his own dumb man way he might have been trying to work out a comprimise that sounded good in his head. So about the whole strip club thing, you say that he is married to you and shouldnt look at other woman I'm afraid to say that it doesnt matter how beautiful a mans wife is he will still look at other woman, it is when it goes beyond looking that it is a problem and I personally wouldnt have a problem if my partner went to a strip club it would be a big problem though if he went to more than a stripper. I think if you approach your husband and talk about your issues about the stag do (not the whole staring at other woman as it is bound to cause problems when it isnt worth it) in a way that doesnt seem like you are telling him what he isnt allowed to do he might surprise you and see why the timing is off. If he doesnt and is adamant that he is going and wont see your side (once again if you approach the subject right) then he is not being reasonable.

SarahK - 9:23 PM on Thu-9-Aug-2012

Im totally anti men right now, so probably not the best person to ask advice about them.
Im completely anti strip clubs, and can't stand stag do's! Would be ok I guess if the next day wasn't spent in recovery. also I personally think that the few weeks after the birth of a baby are a time where men should help you out.
I could understand a little more had the stag do been for a best mate or something like that. but a work colleague? are close or just boosting numbers here?
Im in two minds about this. let him go and get a break (he is a guy after all, they always seem to think this is a 'need'), but the stag do is one night, so therefore you should not have to put up with his hangover the day after.

Gillymama - 1:18 PM on Thu-9-Aug-2012
I think thecoffeelady might be right... if he does stay home he might be a bit miffed = no help and possible extra stress for you.... I can remember plenty of times I haven't wanted hubby to go out, we fought, he stayed home = I felt awful all night. But I know the situation is different with a newborn - why don't you wait a little bit longer to see how you feel and when bubs is born too.

thecoffeelady - 12:42 PM on Thu-9-Aug-2012

I'm a little torn here, I know how completely tiring and hard it is with a newborn, I have no idea how much harder it would be with a three year old as well. However I think maybe by letting him do this stag do he will be happier and it will give you a chance to leave him with the kids sometime later? If I were in your shoes and we argued and he ended up staying home, I would be simmering away all evening and end up with a resentful husband from me making him stay home and in the end he wouldn't feel needed anyway so I would let him go but of course this is you not me....

MumBum - 12:00 PM on Thu-9-Aug-2012

I hate strip clubs too, but a stag do is an exception, I mean he isn't a regular at a seedy strip joint so I'd be inclined to just let that one go and lets face it, what else do you do at a stag do but get drunk?lol
I know its not what you want to hear but how much help to you would he really be if he stays home with you? Maybe it could be a chance for you to catch up with a friend or someone who actually will ease the load a bit for you and give you some "girly company" at the same time?
I don't think you're being unreasonable in asking him to stay with you, after all he is his baby too! I also see that a stag night, especially if it is a close friend, is something he can't re-do at a later date and has no control over the date, so he may figure that baby will be two weeks old by then, and in his man brain reason that it is just for one day and that you would be able to get support from his Mum or someone else... personally, I'd have a real problem if it was in the first week and he wanted to leave me, and even more so if there was no one to keep me company, I've learnt to pick my battles too... my Mr can be like this and I honestly think it comes with being a male. :-)

Mamabear - 11:46 AM on Thu-9-Aug-2012
I'm with Julie on this one... I get your frustration, but some men just don't get it, they don't mean to offend, it doesn't mean they don't care, it's just how they are and nowhere on their radar can they see an issue however big or small! After 10 years of being married to a man who gets that way sometimes, I've learned to just go with the flow...

JulieKidspotter - 9:41 AM on Thu-9-Aug-2012

Probably not what you want to hear but the day I got home from the hospital (c-section) with bubs and a 2 year old, hubby went out for the entire day ... one of those experience days to do a helicopter flight. Admittedly he had tried to book it several times but bad weather had meant this was his last chance. My friend came over to help out for the afternoon. I agree that a lot of men don't change their lives at all when a baby arrives and don't really get that for many mothers responsibility for our children is 100% all day, every day. But I knew after having our first baby that hubby was one of those blokes, he just carries on as before, and whilst he means well he just didn't get it so there was no point in having the same arguments over and over. I'm not saying that you have to just accept that's the way things are and I don't think you're being unreasonable to ask him not to go, but some blokes you just can't change, no matter how hard you try!

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