Coping with Depression and being a Mum


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Posted 11:33 AM on Wed-14-Jul-2010

Ok... here goes.

Or not... as I was sitting down to write this blog, all the thoughts and feelings just washed over my and so did the tears. Tears and anger have become my daily companions and trying to cope with the day to day running of a family of five has become too big a mountain for me climb by myself. So today I went to my GP and asked for help.

Boy that was a biggie... asking for help. Even though in my rational mind I know it is exactly the opposite, in the moment I had never felt so low and such a failure as I did in that doctors surgery. My GP is great, with boxes of tissues at hand and a reassuring smile and the most patient listening ear, I finally gave up being Superwoman and started sharing some of the load I had been carrying.

And now I officially suffer from depression.

I'm kind of two ways about that. It is kind of daunting, scary even perhaps. But at the same time it is also kind of a relief... it's not just me overreacting, it's not just in my head (even though I guess it actually is).

So now what. For the moment we're still holding off on the medication. Giving St Johns Wort a try first. She gave me a whole heap of information to go through, had me sign up on depression.org.nz and counselling. And that one's gonna hurt. Laying bare a wound that I know is a very deep and painful one. And although every fibre in my body tells me not to go there, not to open the floodgates, my head (and I guess deep down inside also my heart) tells me that this is the one and only way to heal myself, rescue our marriage and give my children the loving safe place to thrive they so deserve.

Because right now, Mummy is broken...

Posted by MumOThree

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Pommiegotlost - 5:26 PM on Wed-21-Jul-2010

remember to take it one day at a time, and that you are not the only one to go through this kind of thing, the medication can be numbing, the councelling will be draining and at the end of the day your family still needs you and you need them.
Don't feel bad about choosing to stay, it takes a strong women to walk away, but it sure takes a strong woman to stay and work things out and you need to do what is best for you and your family.
lots of love and hugs and i hope things get easier everyday for you.
PS i need a haircut too, i think its been 2 years almost since my last cut!

MumOThree - 10:54 PM on Tue-20-Jul-2010

First of all... Thank you so much, you wonderful people.
It's been a weird couple of days. Was so emotionally and even physically drained after counselling, the next few days it was as if I was moving in slow motion. Just could not get the body to move at "normal" speed... very strange sensation.
I'm not against taking the medication... in fact, am actually going to ask to be put on it at my next GP visit. Just thought I should give the St Johns wort a go first and see what difference that would make. It did help some, but not enough to help with all of this. My hope is that with the help of the medication, I'll feel a bit more "human" and be more available for my loved ones (without either bursting into tears or flying off the handle at the slightest) while still working through all the "stuff" with counselling and such.
So that will be my next step. And my targets for the week are to do the relaxation excersises my counsellor gave me and, if the weather isn't completely turning to poo's I might actually see my hairdresser this week! I will not tell you how long it has been since I've seen my hairdresser. Let's just say it is another classical sign of this former Supermum putting every one and everything else first.... Typical.

Mumofone - 4:13 PM on Tue-20-Jul-2010

Hi MumOThree, it is sad we have these challenges in life. I hope you have a friend or family member to support you, I know as a mum and wife I feel pretty lonely, sad and angry sometimes. But it always helps me to have a good cry to mum or a mate. You are at least being honest with yourself and getting help which is so brave. I can't possibly know how hard it is for you right now but try to think about all the great things in your life, even the basic things. A roof over your head, food, beautiful healthy children a cuddle from a cat maybe (My cat always makes me feel better). When I am really sad I think about those things and it helps cheer me up. It also helps to take time for yourself, have a bath or get your hair done - what ever makes you relax and happy, its time to be a little selfish. But most of all you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel this way, you are going through a very difficult time right now. But you seem so brave, I just know you will come out on top and be happy, healthy and stronger from this. As what other may think, this is a time when you find out who your true friends are. Who cares about little people who may gossip and if they are not supportive are they really worth your time. You sound like a lovely person who's deserves lovely friends xxoo

davina - 3:07 PM on Tue-20-Jul-2010

Hi there

I'm not yet a mum, but I will be in a few months time. However, about 18 months ago I too was diagnosed with clinical depression. It took about 10 years of denying that I had 'issues' and wasn't coping too well, and a very uncharacteristic breakdown for me to actually consider myself in trouble emotionally. Like you, I didn't want to admit to being 'weak' or in need of assistance - I'd built my life around being the strong one who helped everyone else, including supporting people who were finding themselves in the same depressed state that I now was. But I went to the doctor, with my mum in hand (even though I was nearly 34, I still needed my mum!), and they got me onto medication, and cognitive behavioural therapy. Like you, I was terrified of the therapy more than anything - designed to help you understand why you think you do about certain things, and finding new thoughts to replace them. It involved a lot of honesty on my part, and truckloads of tears and pain at opening old wounds. As part of that therapy though, I learnt huge lessons about myself - especially about the fact that I am my own worst enemy when it comes to setting unrealistic expectations about how 'good' I appear to others. And that I cut everyone else in the world a whole lot more slack than I do myself when it comes to being 'perfect'. It sounds like you do the same thing to yourself. Hopefully through the counselling you're doing, you'll learn ways to accept that in your life you've made choices that haven't always been the 'best'. But you've made them, and now you're accepting responsiblity for them, and doing all you can to learn from them. To me that is the sign of a good, successful person. You're human. You're going to stumble on your road through life, but by no means does that make you bad. It makes you real. And I can assure you that if you sat down in a room where everyone had to 'fess up to something that they had done 'wrong' in their lives, yours would be miniscule by comparison.

I encourage you to continue with the counselling. It is tiring, painful, hard etc., but it is also the best investment you can make in yourself, and one of the best ways you can show yourself some love. You'll come out the other side of this stronger, calmer, and with the knowledge that you've been as low as you can and survived - anything else that throws itself at you will be cope-able :) And as per what others have said, if you can manage the chemical imbalance naturally, then thats fantastic. But don't be put off the medication to assist you. I felt like a failure when I was first given it, but when I think about the life it let me continue to lead rather than the downward spiral of emotions I was in for months, it was well worth it. Due to having to deal with all of this sort of stuff prior to getting pregnant, I'm partly expecting to be hit with post-natal depression when I have my little man in October. But because I've been there, and because I know how quickly I felt like I was back on the 'living wagon' once I started taking medication, I will be more than willing to take whatever I can if I need it to cope for me and my family.

Be strong, and give yourself the love and respect you would give to any of your friends and family if they were faced with this position xx

Hope - 1:39 AM on Fri-16-Jul-2010

Mo3
Hun, You are naturally conflicted. Its normal to feel the way you do in this situation. An affair is a major hurdle for any relationship to get over regardless of the reasons why it happened. It brings about a grief process which can take a long time to get through. Anger, hurt, resentment, pain, fear even. These are all emotions which help you process the loss of your trust in the person you love.
I don't judge you for staying. A lot of people SAY they would leave, but how many actually do? I spent 10 years with an abusive, emotionally distant, angry partner before I finally got the courage to leave him. Had I been seeing my friend treated in this way I would have advised her to leave IMMEDIATELY. For some reason we stay.
I want to tell you this though: Yes, perhaps your communication problems are the contributing factor to the affair he had, but at the end of the day, you are NOT to blame for the fact that he turned to someone else to escape his problems.
Try not to blame yourself so much. I sense from your posts that you are doubting your ability to cope and that you feel ashamed that you choose to stay.
Just remember that since you did stay, he owes it to you to rebuild the trust through his actions not his words. Its not a one way street and its only natural that you're going to have some issues.
We are all human.

MumOThree - 12:04 AM on Fri-16-Jul-2010

First counselling session today. Feel weird, absolutely drained, but unable to sleep... Think I spent the first ten minutes or so of the session crying. Found it real hard to get started. Even now I have spent fifteen minutes staring at the screen trying to find the words to get started. Basically, there are many elements that have compounded into my depression, but ten months ago everything came crashing down. My husband and I love each other very much, but have very different styles of communicating. In a nutshell, I don't use many words, but when I speak I mean it. He uses many words, but doesn't always say a lot... Sometimes we struggle to understand what (or how) the other is communicating. Ten months ago this led to him making a number of bad choices leading up to him having an affair.
Oh my god, I've said it out loud. Twice. In one day. I still struggle with saying it. Regardless of the many emotions I have about this within our marriage, I feel very conflicted about it towards the outside world. If this was me looking into somebody else's relationship I would tell them to get out, fast. Since this has happened the Tiger Woods' and Jesse James' have popped up everywhere and I found myself rooting for those women to get out of those relationships... and yet, I stay.
Do I fear judgement for that from other people? I guess I do. I somewhere expected my counsellor to have judgement. But counsellors aren't paid to judge. They don't even really share their opions. They're just there to listen, and try and help you understand your own feelings and give tools to heal. I learnt that today.
So I guess that was my big achievement of the day. Say it out loud.
The fact that I am incredibly ANGRY that this happened,
the fact that I am unbelievably SAD that this happened,
the fact that it still unmeassurably HURTS,
the fact that my heart has been ripped to shreds by this, but I still love him MORE than that,
the fact that trying to keep it all together and still go through the everyday running of a family and be available for love and support sometimes asks for SUPERHUMAN strength,
the fact that all of this is all too confusing and I just can't stop crying,
are issues for another day.

Today I took another little step.
But man, this is hard.

mumof3girls - 8:54 PM on Thu-15-Jul-2010

hey mum0three - just to reiterate what the others are saying - good on you for asking for help. Dont be afraid of taking medication - the drugs these days are very good - few side effects and very effective (thanks to all those people who went before us taking and trialing drugs so we can benefit from it).

It will get better - i promise. You are a great mum - how do i know? cos you care enough to face up to yourself.

And you are joining a very big club! There are heaps of us mums out there so dont go thinking you are the only one :)

Hope - 2:17 PM on Thu-15-Jul-2010

Wow-I have to say Mo3-that those 3 words are the bravest ones I have heard in a long time. To stand up and say "I need help" takes a lot of courage, and I send you a hug right now.
First I have to say Family of 5? That IS a lot of stress on one person regardless of who they are.
I have seen this scenario before-you are not alone. Stress comes from all sorts of areas in our lives and sometimes it builds up. Obviously this will affect your relationship with your husband and children, and that in turn affects your sense of being nurtured, appreciated and loved within your family. Oh believe me, I feel you sister!
I have felt the same way and can understand the feelings you are experiencing. The validation and relief knowing that the things that have affected you up until now are REAL, and not you just "over-reacting" to stress. Theres also hope that there is a way out with counselling and medication if required. But also the fear of that label "Depression" and what that could mean-not to mention how it makes you feel about yourself.
The important thing is you have taken the first steps, and it WILL get easier. You just need to put your foot down and take some time out to heal yourself. Rest your heart, your body and your mind. It is a long journey back to how it "used to be" but with support, communication and understanding of those closest to you, you can get there.
Above all, remember, you are NOT alone. Every woman on this site can relate.
Be strong my friend.
xx

kiwinutter - 1:03 AM on Thu-15-Jul-2010
I hear you!!

JulieKidspotter - 7:21 PM on Wed-14-Jul-2010

Hi MumOThree - that took a lot of courage. Don't under-estimate what you just did - to admit that you need help is a HUGE step. And definitely not an easy one. This ride that we call motherhood can be a real rollercoaster. I'm not going to patronise by saying that I know what you're feeling because we all cope with motherhood differently. Oh, I hate even putting it that way - that we "cope" with being a mother. Yes, we do have moments that we love and enjoy and cherish but there are also moments that we cry and anguish and despair. Just as other mothers have been through the wringer, I have had times when it feels like the rollercoaster is out of control and other times when the car has completely left the tracks. I hope that you will keep us updated with your counselling and progress - just as much as you wish to share. And when you need a bit of chat, when you need to scream at the world or just get the words on paper, by all means do just that as you will find many other Mums on here who are more than willing to help in any way that we can. Take care.

sara - 12:19 PM on Wed-14-Jul-2010
You're a brave woman, for taking that step and for sharing it! I understand everything you have said, I too have been where you now are, more than once. Best of luck, it will get better! xx

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