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Posted 10:03 AM on Wed-20-Jun-2012

There is a couple we know quite well, well enough to call them our friends. Recently they have changed, both of them lost weight and she went totally overboard on new clothes, makeup and fake tan, I didn't really think much of the change as a lot of people feel the need to lose weight or to make themselves more attractive for various reasons - including getting older!!


However I have just found out he was having an affair with a younger friend of both of them, she didn't know who or what but obviously knew something was up and suddenly found out about it, now I can understand her need to make herself more attractive, she felt like she was losing her husband. What I can't understand though is why people are unfaithful. They are staying together at the moment and trying to work things out for their kids sake but I really feel for her and don't know what I can do to help, at the moment she doesn't talk about it so I act like everythings normal. What would you do to help or do I just mind my own business?

Posted by thecoffeelady

Comments (15)

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LIVINGLIFE - 6:11 PM on Thu-21-Jun-2012  
Oh yes mumbum totally stronger and actually glad it happened or I wouldn't be who I am today, plus I did get 2 beautiful children out of it to:)
Minxy - 1:05 PM on Thu-21-Jun-2012  
wow that is a difficult situation to be in. My recommendation from a similar experience is to let her talk if she feels she wants to.. you can casually give her an opening so she knows she can come to you to talk fi she needs to but it has to be her choice. She may feel that if people know they may judge her choice for staying or offer her opinions which she does not want to act on. She may feel foolish and embarrassed and feel the only way she can cope is by pertending it did not happen. Just support her in her own way on how best she wants to deal with it. Be non judgemental and open to just supporting what decisions they make. Its hard because with my girlfriend I wanted to get her husband and string him up and do unmentionable painful things to his unmentionables (then again he was so warped he might have enjoyed that) but she loved him and she wanted the marriage to work and I knew by me having an opinion to the contry would put more pressure on her so stayed quiet. Good Luck.
MumBum - 7:29 PM on Wed-20-Jun-2012  
Oh Livinglife, that is awful!!! I'm sure he's not the only person like that out there either, in fact I know a few who are like that myself!

And I was certainly not trying to justify anything at all, cheating is cheating and you're right, disgusting.

I guess I could see from my own experience that sometimes what starts as "nothing" can quickly grow into something namely an affair...also from seeing a number of relationships end after a platonic relationship has grown to a love affair, and I just wanted to show that not in all cases is it like what happened to you (which is just nasty and ugly), sometimes it happens through sheer foolishness and to be honest selfish hedonistic behaviour!

I am so sorry you experienced that, but seems to me you are stronger and better off from not having him in your life!xxx
LIVINGLIFE - 7:18 PM on Wed-20-Jun-2012  
Wow mumbum you have given a pretty true account of how an affair can happen in some circumstances and it is true you need boundaries, the cheating that I had done to me however was that he was actively seeking out affairs and one night stands by anyway possible whether it be by all the females in his work place or pubs or online, you name it he did it and that is a serial cheater breed that will do it to whoever they are with time after time. However in the way you have desribed it, even though I think cheating is disgusting I can see how in that situation it could happen but I have always made sure I have never put my self in that situation to happen as it is dangerous ground.
MumBum - 6:05 PM on Wed-20-Jun-2012  
Gosh... I sounded a bit like my own Mother in that last comment... scary, might need a cuppa tea and a lie down to get over that!lol
MumBum - 6:03 PM on Wed-20-Jun-2012  
Exactly jopukeko... proximity. What was probably an innocent coffee catch up between two friends to begin with ended in an inappropriate relationship... because uh hello! Both of them had partners!!!

I have a male boarder (also a friend) who lives with us and he is a mutual friend of Mr MumBum's and mine, but I am very cautious about respecting boundaries, not because I find him attractive or because I suspect that he might find me attractive but because proximity is like a weed, you never see it grow until suddenly its there! So though we share the same house and sometimes he is home with the kids and me when Mr MumBum is not, we NEVER discuss things like my relationship with Mr MumBum, or "my feelings" like if the Mr and I have had an arguement, our boarder may know I am mad and that I am mad at Mr MumBum but that is as far as it goes, we NEVER have heart to hearts over how I feel, why I'm upset or angry or whatever. That is just dangerous ground and unhealthy for my relationship with my partner!

Oh and the other thing I insist on is modesty like I would never walk around the house in a towel or my skimpy pjays or nightie, just as he doesn't walk around the house in boxers or a towel. I know some people may think its an over reaction, but believe me, I have seen MANY a relationship/family come to an end simply because people thought that they could have a purely platonic relationship with a member of the opposite sex in close proximity and that nothing would ever happen... very foolish to put your relationship at risk just because you think "you know better."
jopukeko - 3:18 PM on Wed-20-Jun-2012  
With my first marriage my husband was always hanging around with his "friend." She would often come around for a coffee while I was at work. I suspected something but never knew for sure. We didn't have any kids to consider but we still stayed together for a while until he suggested we split. Shortly after she split up with her partner, moved in with my ex. Later they married. They have since split. I think I would have fought harder for my marriage if kids were involved. I lost lots of friends as did he as our friends chose to go one way or the other. I had a few close friends that really helped me through it all. My advice is be available to listen when needed.
thecoffeelady - 3:00 PM on Wed-20-Jun-2012  
Mumbum you have explained it well, that is exactly what happened and now I read what you have written I can understand it happened, certainly not agreeing with it but I can understand a little of how it can happen so easily.

I also beleive in staying together but I'm not going to say what I think to her about that, only they can work it out.
GoMummyJo - 2:44 PM on Wed-20-Jun-2012  
She sounds like she's so lucky to have a friend like you. My standard line for any situation that I'm not to sure how to go about is....

I'm not sure what to say, or what you need me to do, but I'm here for you , you know that aye.
MumBum - 1:44 PM on Wed-20-Jun-2012  
Oh and most of all, be a friend by just being there for her and letting her know that she won't lose your friendship if she stays or goes...either way it is hard for her enough without her feeling like her friends have left her too.
MumBum - 1:38 PM on Wed-20-Jun-2012  
I have a bit of an idea as to what is like to feel betrayed, I think the advise you have been given is right... it is really easy for everyone to jump on the leave-him-he's-a-cheating-so-and-so band wagon; that is because "everyone" else doesn't love him the way that your friend does.

Proximity is the main cause for affairs, that and the inappropriate emotional attachment to someone of the opposite sex...let's be honest, no one wakes up one morning and decides "oh look! Its a sunny day, just the day I was waiting for to cheat on my wife/husband!".. I'm willing to bet that your friends and this "younger" friend of theirs hung out together and that somewhere along the line the husband and this "friend" shared heart-to-heart stories, about relationships and maybe even he confided in her about his feelings etc, before long all it takes is a disagreement with your wife/husband for you to think that this other person understands you so much better than your partner, then maybe this other person becomes the confidante and before long.... hello! Physical as well as emotional cheating takes place... I am not saying this to excuse it in anyway at all, but simply to say that this is why it is so important to keep boundaries with members of the opposite sex. If you start to treat members of the opposite sex the same as you do your partner, its only going to end badly.

Just as a side point, there maybe more to this story than you know, so just because he has cheated on her doesn't mean that their marriage has to be over, there are plenty of ways to survive an affair but it all depends on whether your friend wants to do that or not... and this is speaking as someone who has worked and continues to work on getting past an affair.

I truly feel for your friend, and though I don't completely understand her whole situation, I can empathise from personal experience and of course as a woman. xxx
SarahK - 12:42 PM on Wed-20-Jun-2012  
I too have been in this situation before. I agree with Livinglife, be there to support her no matter what, she will talk when she is ready. It takes a long time to come to terms with. Well it did for me anyway.
Your a great friend thecoffeelady!! I wish your friend all the best xxx
mumof6 - 12:02 PM on Wed-20-Jun-2012  
I have to agree with LIVINGLIFE, I can't imagine what she is going through but I can imagine she is probably feeling really low and insecure right now! You just need to be there and support he when she is ready to talk about it if ever.
thecoffeelady - 11:26 AM on Wed-20-Jun-2012  
Thanks LIVINGLIFE, I actually have tears in my eyes reading your post. I'm glad for what you wrote and like you said won't say anything unless she talks to me about it. xx
LIVINGLIFE - 11:21 AM on Wed-20-Jun-2012  
Hey coffeelady I have been in her position and I can tell you it is a horrible feeling having someone that says they love you do the ultimate insult by cheating on you, all I can say is do not judge, it is normal for her to stay thinking she is doing right by the children and might not even feel that no one else would want her so she should stay. To be a great friend allow her to talk and do not give her advice unless she asks and even then if she doesnt follow it dont judge. Let your friend know that you can not imagine how she feels but you are there for her and you will support her, she will talk when she is ready and trying to force the issue wont help. It took me a long time to be able to stand up to the person the cheated on me and say enough is enough as I let him make my self esteem non existant. I know it is hard for people close to you to sit there and see that pain that you are going through whether is be verbal or non verbal but she will appreciate you just being there if needed. I really hope your friend works through this and realises that if someone is having an affair it means that they will do it again and she will never truly trust him again.

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