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Created By: priya
Views: 4565 views
Comments: 14
Topic : My husband sometimes sneaks smoking behind my back
priya - `10` `2012-06-25 20:22:36`  

My husband sometimes sneaks smoking behind my back. He knows I don't want him to smoke, and he said he quit?

but as I've said, he sneaks them now and then because I've caught him...He said it calms his nerves from work. How it does that, I don't know, but I am not a smoker. But there are healthier ways to calm your nerves, so to speak. I do not approve of smoking, it disgusts me, but mostly it truly is me being concerned about what it is doing to his health. Then he comes home and has the nerve to take vitamins!!! I had to chuckle at that're smoking, but then you are taking vitamins! May as well throw those vitamins down the drain...But my question was really this....despite the fact that he is sneaking smoking, he is a very good man in every other way, more than anyone could ever ask for....I know this for a fact. I just wanted to know people's opinions on whether is should kind of overlook this flaw and hope he really quits for his own sake, given that he is a very good person otherwise. Or should I refuse to give in, and risk losing a good person over one thing?
Comments (14)
Guest Member - 3:04 PM Sat-24-Jan-2015
I met my husband online and he did not reveal that he was a smoker. My first husband died at the age of 52 from lung cancer-4 months from diagnosis to death. The most terrifying months of our lives. Husband #2 sees a pulmonologist(was exposed to toxins at Ground Zero), lies to him about not smoking, follows CT scans that show nodules on his lungs that they are "watching". He smokes a couple of cigarettes a day. He lies about it. I confront him. I cry, he promises not to smoke. Round and round we go. He brought three grown kids into this marriage. I have 3 as well. I think it is quite selfish to be doing something that is so harmful to your health. I never want to see someone I love go through that again. I truly believe if i had known I probably wouldn't have married him. Extreme, I know but that is just where I am at
Guest Member - 5:27 PM Sat-30-Jun-2012
Just let him, he sounds like a good man. It sounds like a sneaky one occasionally works as a good stress reliever for him - I honestly think you need to lay off him and get off your high horse, It doesnt have to be such a big deal. He isnt doing in front of you, he isnt doing it in front of the kids. Yes there are better ways to relieve stress but there are also far worse. I dont smoke but I am definatly on your hubbys side here!
Nessa - 4:25 PM Sat-30-Jun-2012
My husband had a heart attack at 39 and he was told to give up smoking. He did try for a while but I found out he was sneaking behind my back too. It really infuriated me at the time, not the fact he was smoking necessarily but the fact he was lying to me. I have given up going on at him, I hate the smoke too but no point going on at him cause he just digs his toes in and says he is allowed some pleasures in life. He apparently tried to give up earlier this year and lasted 3 months but went back to it. I have rules that he is not allowed to smoke around the kids or in the car or house. His mum smokes around the kids though and that really annoys me. Not to worry. They will give up when they are ready. If they not ready to give up they won't.
priya - 9:39 PM Fri-29-Jun-2012

I hope one day he will stop smoking and understand they are so many other things in life to focus, thank you for all your comments.

MumBum - 7:14 PM Wed-27-Jun-2012
I see it along the same lines as going on at someone who is seriously over weight... you wouldn't be doing them any favours by going on at them to stop eating junk etc; in fact, that would most likely make them want to eat more... he will only stop when he is ready too and only then.
I agree with what everyone else has said, set some rules, like not in the car or house, not where the kids can see etc... and by the way, smokers know its a disgusting habit, no smoker ever says otherwise! It is an addiction and according to someone I met who was a heroine user, the smokes were harder than the heroine for her to give up! Not easy, especially since it is legal and so easy to get ciggies.
I would just wait for him to make his decision to stop.
Raich - 2:27 PM Tue-26-Jun-2012
I have never smoked, but my husband use to. For a while he was sneaking a *** here and there, because like your husband he thinks he needed it to calm his nerves after a stressful day at work. Turns out the job he was in was way too stressful and he was suffering from depression and anxiety so he left that job and found another. We are much better off now, our lives are much more at peace. He still has the cravings to smoke but he also hates it becasue it's disgusting. Anyway, at the time I made it clear to him I didn't approve and he kept telling me wouldn't smoke, but then he couldn't help himself if someboody offered him one. So I did my best to hold my tongue, although he still new I didn't approve, and I waited for him to realise on his own that it wasn't helping and he soon stoped.
My husband is brilliant in every other way, his only down falls are his addictions and sometimes they can cause him to be quite selfish. But I just decided to support him and not put too much pressure on him, (only a gentle reminder or incentive every now and then).Not a big altimatum or anything, that doesn't work.
The bible tells us to love and respect our husbands, even through their flaws. And that's what marriage is about.
NZGeekGirl - 1:23 PM Tue-26-Jun-2012
I'm an ex smoker who smoked behind my then partners back. He pressured me to give up like crazy, put me down about smoking, made cracks the works. Yes I let him think I'd quit. I wasn't ready to give up and I rebelled against the pressure he put me under. We weren't living together so it was easy to claim I was tired, kick him out and spend half an hour on my balcony with a book and a couple of smokes. Unsurprisingly we spilt. There were many other factors as well so this wasn't the breaking point.I finally gave up permanently when I met my now husband. His attitude was I'd give up when I was ready and he supported me. I gave up for good two months later and have only had 1 cigarette in the last 9 years. (there may have been alcohol involved. What I'm trying to say is, no matter how bad we know it is for us, smoking is a VERY hard addiction to give up. If (and I'm not saying you are) you are constantly on him or arguing over it, it's not going to be the motivation he needs. There is a fine line between support and nagging. I'm betting he can give up, when he's ready.The dishonesty needs to be addressed. Maybe sit down and come up with some ground rules ie: Outside only, not around the kids...that sort of thing. But let him know you'll be madder if he lies than if he has a cigarette and stick to this! If you back off, it will no doubt ease things on him.I don't think it's something worth losing him over, I think it's just understanding how bad this addiction is and when he's ready, working WITH him to overcome it. I'm positive it will make a big difference because it sure did to me!Good luck!
mumof6 - 9:25 AM Tue-26-Jun-2012

I am aslo a ex smoker but stopped when pregnant with my first child. My hubby is also an ex smoker but with asthma only smoked occasionally and gave up not long after we got together.


Many years ago I found out my hubby was smoking again occasionally at work and it really upset me. Firstly because he is a bad asthmatic and it runs in his family (his brother died at 20 from a severe asthma attack) and our kids also get asthma. Secondly because I felt he was lying to me and thirdly because we had a very sick baby and were struggling with finances as it was!  He stopped after I confronted him with it!


My sister smoked for years and finally stopped after reading a book by Allen Car - Easy Way to Stop Smoking. She said it just switched on a bulb in her head and that was that.  She hasn't smoked now in over 5yrs and to make it harder for her, her hubby still smokes.

LIVINGLIFE - 9:34 PM Mon-25-Jun-2012
Ok so I am an ex smoker and I can tell you that a smoker is unable to give up without wanting to themselves as it really is a hard thing to stop as it is an addiction and takes alot of fighting, someone that tells them they need to stop or nags at them will actually cause them to smoke more. I would take the approach that pommiegotlost suggest and say it positively, just keep in mind that it can be very hard to stop smoking and the feeling of wanting a smoke never leaves, it still pops its head up sometimes.
SarahK - 9:33 PM Mon-25-Jun-2012

Smoking is an addiction. Its not something you can easily just give up because someone you love has asked you.

I'm an ex smoker. I used to try and hide the fact that I was smoking too. I tried to quit soooo many times, I even used to joke that it was so easy to quit that I did it every week.


Your husband may want to quit, but is finding it hard. Quitting smoking isn't easy, especially when you are trying to do it alone without support. There is a possibility he is hiding it from you because he is embarrased that he can't stop?

Smoking eases nerves. Take it away and he is forced to deal with the feelings of nervousness and anxiety on his own. When I quit I was a right off. I was anxious all the time, and had a short fuse for dealing with things for many many months.


I would start with trying to work on his dishonesty. Lying about it isn't going to help him, you can smell it on him. Maybe you could try and back off on him for a while, give him the opportunity to at least admit to the fact that he is smoking. It will take a huge burden off his shoulders knowing he is not decieving you, and again for you, knowing he is not hiding anything from you.

Offer him support to quit. The cravings and withdawal symptoms associated with nicotine are intense. Insomnia, headaches and the constant feeling of anxiety are the things I remember the most from it.


Check out quitline. They have a section on helping others to quit. Perhaps you could also give them a call, and they may be able to offer advice.


All the best!!

Pommiegotlost - 8:47 PM Mon-25-Jun-2012
You can't force someone to quit and they will not until they are truly 100% willing to. the fact that he is lying to you would be my biggest concern. your best bet is to change your approach, "i know you are smoking even if you try to hide it from me, if you really want to quit how can i support you?
cherrytf - 8:41 PM Mon-25-Jun-2012
I feel for your Priya. If it were my husband, I'd calmly confront him about it, tell him that I know he smokes behind my back and since no one can make him stop except himself, that he would no longer need to hide it from me. I would, however, stress that he would have to smoke away from me and the kids since we don't want to get 2nd-hand smoke and get sick because of it. I would stress that although the decision to quit smoking is his, I would say for the last time that his smoking puts his family, the people he loves most, at risk -- because he puts his own health at risk, he risks us losing him, he risks us having to suffer witnessing him get really sick.
lmiln003 - 8:36 PM Mon-25-Jun-2012
Did he smoke when you met him? If so I believe that you don't have the right to "nag/badger/demand" (how ever you want to put it) that he gives up - this is the person he was when he met you, he is the person you fell in love with and who you wanted to be with.If he has started smoking since the relationship began then I would be questioning him more as to why - there is possibly an under lying stress that needs sorting out????

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